This quarantine is just so weird...First of all let me say how grateful I am that family and friends are safe so far. Blessed for sure, so all these thoughts come from a place that isn't being effected by the worst chaos and fear. That is why we can send funny texts and GIFs to each other. May we not lose our sense of humor. Better to laugh than to cry. Better to have faith than anxiety....
I realized this morning that I have not set an alarm since March 16th! We were supposed to go to California on Tuesday the 17th. Of course that was cancelled, but I had no work days scheduled until March the 24th. I spent the week cleaning and organizing, of course, things I tend to do when I am nervous. "No closet or drawer left unturned" was the battle cry. It went well until the anxiety and uncertainty of going back to seeing patients and decisions had to be made about what is safe and what is necessary. "Who to make happy?" "Who to inconvenience?" "Who to put at risk?" The truth is these were people I wanted to say goodbye to after so many years of loving and caring for them!.....Well, those decisions, dictated by governmental mandates quickly were removed from our hands. Now, weeks into this thing, we have fewer decisions to make except those influencing our own lives. Only essential things.....
So one week sequestered, the next retired......As I have let go of what would have ordinarily been worry about practice and patients and business, I begin to realize I am just not that important to the train anymore. I started this blog 3 days ago. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Years ago I used to journal daily. I always found it helpful to put emotions and ideas to paper. I guess my penmanship got so atrocious after years of charting, and with joint aches it became too much trouble to use pen and paper. I have since, and recently, destroyed old journals, found on shelves and in office filing cabinets..... At this age I am realizing looking ahead is alot more important than looking back. There is so little time left in this last period of life. This blogging helps me to focus on what is important looking forward. I have read that "THAT is why the windshield is so much bigger than the rear view mirror", although I must say I still glance at it and even the side mirrors, more frequently than I should....
I wasn't sure how this blogging would go. In my "previous life" I typically was involved in intense daily conversations. Now it seems I have been thrust into relative silence..... There is porch conversation with my guy at night but very little "small talk" during the day. The blogging allows me to put words to what I am thinking. That sounds so funny. I guess I want to know what I am thinking! I DO know that God speaks to us through the words we read and write and hear. That is of course why we have to be so careful what we allow into our consciousness. In my work as a physician, God would take over so many of my conversations with patients. Things would sometimes come from my lips that surprised me. Sometimes the words were funny, sometimes harsh, sometimes personal. Always sincere. I learned to let the words come, knowing that the Good Lord could scramble the interpretation of them on the receiving end if I messed up.... I learned so much when I allowed myself to just be a vessel.....and just listen.....
So, I continue writing.....
The words are not perfect, but I shall just continue to let them come.....
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