A REALLY BAD DAY.

   I had a bad day yesterday.... a REALLY BAD DAY!
I shouldn't even write about it but I need to.
My bestie H will set me straight....

   I really thought I had progressed....you know tamed the ego thing.
Retirement has been weird at best with this pandemic distraction.
I studied and practiced medicine for 41 years. Then one day it stopped.....
Don't get me wrong, I put notice in. Everyone was contacted. All proper announcements were
released....

   Reflecting, my career was stellar. Worked hard. Helped alot of people. Made alot of deep soulful friends who cared about me as I cared for them.  I "did it my way" for 33 of those years, bucking trends and flying solo. I always thought I was a "people person", one who needed people, but I  think maybe I don't play well with others....  Just my patients and me.  Then I got tired. Really tired....I didn't want the "buck to stop on my shoulders any more" and being "uber responsible" wasn't appealing any longer.  Hiring staff  became a nightmare and candidates were "not what they used to be".  I once was good at judging and picking. Then, I wasn't.  I became much more uptight and hard to please.  No one was good enough.  Everything bugged me.  I finally got to a point I guess that I stopped long enough to consider my own needs.  My body hurt and my heart was sad.  There had to be more than this.  A whirling dervish for so long. Too frantic to breathe sometimes. That was when I decided to "pull the plug".  I needed to get out of the management of medicine.  I had looked to sell the practice for at least 10 years.  Ideally I would sell, and work part time for someone else, working just enough to keep mentally sharp and feel like I was still healing and helping somebody. Then one day the "corporation" came calling. I had negotiated with 2 before. This was a good fit and a decent offer. The promise of "just seeing patients, leave the management to us" was the golden ticket.  Big plans to add multiple other doctors and finish out 6,000 sq ft of office space with the latest equipment was exciting!

  The details of the ensuing 2 years and 3 months is not my focus today.  Suffice it to say, "I definitely don't play well with millennials" and now I am retired. Nothing that they had envisioned for me or us  materialized.  No partners. No shiny new space. Little helpful management.  Just the same song and dance.....To put it lightly the entire transition turned out to be a profound personal disappointment. The choices become too painful. Then mercifully, I finally chose me......

   I didn't want a party. Too hard to say goodbye to all those people whom I had grown to love. Better to slip out the back door...or though I imagined.  I used to have a elderly patient who leased office space to lots of physicians through the years. He always said "Don't ever retire! Doctors don't do well. It's too hard on them. No marching band or parade in the end. You just end up feeling lost!"  He had seen it many times. All I could think of was that he "has no idea how tired and frustrated I am".  For me surely it was going to be different....

   Not only was there no parade and no band, the "corporation" didn't even allow a lunch or dinner for me to properly say goodbye and thank my staff.  Ouch.  Then the virus shook the planet and all this was small stuff.  I was thrown into the "retirement" 14 days early.  No chance for any final long goodbyes with patients.  The previous month had been emotional enough. I had scheduled my very "favorite" patient for the last appointment. I rehearsed a million times how it would go and coached myself not to "sob"...... It was a blessing that I never had to act that part. It was just OVER.

   When the actual day of formal retirement came, under sequestration orders, Paul and I ordered gourmet take out and had a bottle of Dom a good friend had given me, and the party was had.  I did not hear a peep from the CEO or CFO or CMO.  Wow. That was painful too. Not going to lie.  It was a Monday......

   No patients have been seen in the office since I left March 16th. They will resume next week with another "provider". All the rules have now changed. Masks, gloves, plastic barriers.... Thank God my timing was PERFECT. It was divine.  No stress. No gnashing of teeth. No decisions. No responsibility.  One of the best things ever in my life!!!

   So why the bad day??? I logged into the patient portal yesterday to get several addresses for overdue thank you notes and I had been locked out.  No access. "Company Policy".  Of course. That makes perfect sense.  It didn't feel perfect though. The entire scenario made me feel like a criminal.  I am still part owner with company stock....(which is likely worthless).  The office manager who has worked for me for a decade "drank the Kool-Aid".  Abrupt and matter of fact. "Yes the password changed".  IT did it under HR direction.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. Couldn't breathe for a minute, then got so ANGRY (which only happens to me about once a year....but when it does, it isn't pretty). Then I sobbed....and sobbed.  Then I drank vodka...ha....Probably went through all of the Kubler-Ross stages of dying in a matter of 20 hours. (I am being overly dramatic here....) I knew when I laid down to go to sleep last night that it wasn't going to be a good night. I fell quickly to sleep but predictably awoke at about 1:30 am.  Tachy and angry again, rehearsing the perceived injustices over and over in my mind........

   Then I prayed.  Hard.  "Dear God, Help me to accept and forgive and move forward".  I have always told people "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself".  I needed that gift.  Struggling to be honest with myself, the awareness came that this was probably THE BEST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED to me.  You see, I needed it to step forward into this Final Third, to actually look ahead.  It actually was a GIFT to me. Isn't God awesome...  I prayed to be filled with the Spirit and to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Self Control. As I layed there in the darkness slowly breathing in and out, I recalled the other little book I have been meditating on "Peaks and Valleys" (it is a gem).  I had just yesterday morning highlighted and starred these words:

                                                Between Peaks There
                                                   Are Always Valleys.

                                            How You Manage Your Valley
                                               Determines How Soon
                                            You Reach Your Next Peak.

    I breathed deeply, then fell asleep until the morning light streamed through the bedroom window.
Maybe yesterday wasn't  really a BAD DAY after all........