YOU DID IT!

Good Morning!
Day 4 of The Final Third....

Oh my gosh I slept well.  I am amazed at how not setting an alarm can change the rhythms of my slumber.  I still crash early compared to normal people... I can barely keep my eyes open after 8:30pm.  As my body adjusts to the new reality though I am sleeping in until daylight. I seem to turn over at 4:30ish, not daring to look at the trusty clock.  The body just knows.... Then I remember no one needs me and I settle right back in for another few hours of blessed sleep.

 My gosh, I had no idea how wonderful not being on a treadmill might feel.  Of course our sequestered reality right now is unprecedented, but I also have never been retired.  I find myself letting go of the inflated sense of importance I have obviously carried for the past 40 years. "Delusions of Grandeur", isn't that what they call it? I need not worry now about anyone and I am not responsible for anyone.... That is freeing to say the least. I am just not that important! (Never have been...)

 As I release a presumed responsibility for everyone and everything I am also processing the release of judgement. This will no doubt be more difficult for me.  I have always had two speeds: ZOOM@110%  and OFF.  There was never a happy medium.  I was "graded" on everything growing up and nothing was satisfactory or acceptable except the A+.  Anything presented at home that was less than that was met with the query, "What happened?"  As I grew and matured I needed no one else to ask the question, but developed a need to achieve and take on the responsibility of success.  Don't get me wrong, my studies and success gave me great satisfaction, but along the way I always felt like I was never good enough.

The  things in life that required use of  my innate talents and gifts were easy to master (studies, grades, business). Other life responsibilities revealed my challenges, and weaknesses (parenting, relationships, spontaneity, fun and games).  My daughter, who has always been my greatest teacher in this life tells me,  "Mom, your biggest problem is that you never went to Kindergarten"..... We always laughed about that, but deep down, I know she is right.

Anyway, back to the releasing judgement thing.... it's a process you know.  Something I need and want to do.   I have been exercising every day, usually alternating stationary bike and weights and walks outside.  Our choices are limited now with the gym closed.  It was supposed to rain this morning.  The sky was dark, which allowed us to sleep until 7:30am. Still seems unbelievable! I checked the radar and weather app and the rain wasn't due until 11am, so Paul and I went on our neighborhood jaunt.

 The temperature was 65F, cloudy and breezy, not a visible ray of sun in the sky (a dermatologist's delight). I put on shorts and a sleeveless shirt, sunscreen of course and my floppy, flap hat (my kid's nightmare). We have a usual route we walk.  I know the exact mileage, number of steps  and time it takes to go each mile.  I  wear my watch and monitor the heart rate to make sure my effort is A+.  Well, today I rebuked the judgement, and left the watch at home. We varied the route and the pace. I found myself paying more attention to the breeze and the sky, the varied colors of wildflowers, and at least "fifty shades of green".

 As we rounded a new little path I wondered what my  heart rate was and how long it had taken us to round that last mile...... Then I reminded myself, "Does it really matter? JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR THE DAY"! I laughed inside, then in my mind's eye  imagined a panel of Olympic judges with their score cards at the top of the hill (seriously.....).  Only one had paid us any attention at all, then gently raised his card with the ULTIMATE winning sign: a single, simple, happy little SMILEY FACE.

You did it!......