Saturday, May 9, 2020
SELF EVALUATION Part 1
It's been almost 6 weeks now since I retired.
My blogging has been in fits and starts. I thought it would be like a diary that I would do every day.
It actually takes alot of time and sometimes I have nothing to say worth saying....so not worth the energy expenditure or time.
I thought it might be a good time for Self Evaluation. A sort of Performance Appraisal. Even though I am trying not to grade and judge everything I do, I guess the drill is hard to break. It's good to do it at certain junctures. Six weeks seems like a good time to reflect.
In just random musings:
SLEEP A (almost put a minus, but REALLY! It's a + from where I came.....)
My sleep hygiene remains excellent. I go to bed before I am exhausted totally. I can now stay up until 9:15 to 10pm depending on the day. We rarely watch "one more show" if it is late, knowing that the night time routine before bed takes another 15-20 minutes....cat's get their treats, secure the house, get things cleaned up and put up in the kitchen, change clothes, etc. (95% of the time I still fall asleep quickly. I take my meds at bedtime so don't think I need them to go to sleep anymore. I have considered stopping them but felt the need to catch up first. I may be near. Just don't want to screw up the rhythm. Twice a week I will wake up "early" then repeat to myself "You have absolutely nothing to worry about. Give it to God and go to sleep". It usually works and I drift back off to sleep.
The key I am learning is just do NOT look at the time. I sometimes sneak a peek because if it is before midnight I will take a benadry, justified by my allergies. I always lay one out but take it 1-2 times a week. If it is later, I don't want to take the pill because then I will be groggy in the morning. Thus I sometimes peek..... Now if it is later than 2-3 am I don't take it and then my obsessive thinking may kick in and I flog myself. Three AM always has been the bewitching hour when I was working. The alarm was set for 4:45am and undoubtedly I would obsess about something that was going on. It always seemed really hard to go back to sleep. I had a nightmare this morning and I did the mental exercise "I wonder if it is too late to take the benadryl?" I looked at the clock and it sure enough was 3am. Arghh...... Well now I know I have HOURS left to sleep but I started obsessing. It took me about 90 minutes to go back to sleep. I have to work on "exorcising" that 3am curse. No need any more! Most days, I will sleep in until the morning light peeks in the windows. That is how I remind myself it is time to get up. I just have to remember that. If it is not getting light, just "SHUSH and go back to bed baby!" The first couple of weeks of retirement I slept 11 or 12 hours. Now consistently I sleep in until 6:45-7:30. Usually 9-10 hrs. Usually glorious. I convince myself now, it is definitely an A plus!!!
Addendum: Paul had an MRI this morning scheduled at 8am ("Why so early?!!!") Hahaha
He set his phone alarm and I set "Old Faithful" at my bedside for 6:30 am just in case.
I woke with a fright when the light began peeking through the windows. I reached out and Paul was gone. I rolled over and looked at the time: 6:30 on the dot!
I'VE STILL GOT IT!!!.......smile
Friday, May 8, 2020
THE NEW NORMAL....
Well, there appears to be a new normal when it comes to medical care.
No more warm fuzzies. Only robotic exposure and technicians.
We experienced first hand this new frontier on Tuesday.
Paul sprained his ankle really badly in January, then because it was weak, tripped over a pot
at the grocery store and ripped the ankle again in February. Against my urging, he declined to go to the doctor, and then the COVID came and we couldn't..... We hoped it would heal in time, but progressively it became clear the anterior tendon was not normal. His foot slaps when he walks because the ankle is weak and he can easily trip now. Of course the ankle bone is connected to the knee bone, which is connected to the hip bone....so his gate is off and he now has hip issues. When we go for walks it makes me nervous he will trip. Our sweet future daughter-in-law Dr Nation, PhD anatomy professor, director of the program at the dental school identified the exact tendon responsible for the weakness. Upon HER recommendation to have it evaluated, we made an appointment with an orthopedist who specializes in foot, ankle and lower leg.
We got an appointment in 2 days which was great! People are still hesitant going out and about. The MD had good training and relatively good reviews. I wanted to go along to see what he said. Besides, Paul doesn't hear so well... We were told on the phone that he would first see the Nurse Practitioner. I don't like that but ok....I get the new system. The nurse screens, thus making the best use of the MD's limited time and expertise. We showed up to the appointment 30 minutes early to do the required paperwork and have the "screening" for the virus. We wore our dutiful masks and got off the elevator where I was immediately told I was not allowed to be there. "What? He doesn't hear well and needs me to be there". The young tech just kept sweetly, yet repeatedly saying over my objections, "I am so sorry only the patients are allowed to go back now"...... Damn. I wasted a lot of time putting that makeup on...... I was allowed to sit in the car. Gee, thank you....
The process apparently went fairly smoothly and he was allowed to have the phone on so I could hear the evaluation, although not clearly. The NP assessed it then said she thought an MRI would be a good idea. Yay! That is the only way to see a tendon....(even tho they took the obligatory XRay, a prerequisite to further imaging...). She then escorted Paul out to the desk to schedule the MRI. WHAT, NO DOCTOR evaluation??????
When Paul got to the car he said he did not have a follow up appointment with the Doctor but that he would do telemedicine next Wednesday to give us the results. Argh! I don't like this procedure one bit. Conceivably then, there is a chance this guy will want to schedule surgery without ever touching the patient!!! Unbelievable.....
What has happened to medicine? "Providers" are now robotic technicians masked and gloved. No more shaking hands. No touching without gloves.. We can't even smile with warmth and flash our pearly whites. (So glad I spent the last 18 months in metal....Guess there is no more need for those expensive veneers).....It's a new reality. Now, just the facts, the image and then screen time...
Just where are we headed with our health care? It has been gradually happening for years, now complicated by the viral pandemic we find ourselves dealing with.....
One of the most valuable lessons in medicine I ever learned was that " Healing is in the touch". Dr. Coleman Jacobson was an old Jewish dermatologist I shadowed many years ago in Dallas, while doing my internal medicine internship at Baylor. ..... Dr Jacobson was a great big guy, with a great big Spirit. He would touch the patient, give the prescription then in his GREAT BIG BOOMING VOICE DECLARE, "THERE YOU GO! I dress it and GOD will heal it!" And so it was.....
Clearly, those were the good old days ......
As long as I have breath, for the rest of my life, I will be grateful for those lessons learned.
Even more now, I feel grateful that my jersey has been retired......
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
BACK TO THE FUTURE!
Well, I haven't posted for a few days.
There have been distractions...like ghosts from the past....
The WHOLE POINT of this exercise is to stay focused on the FUTURE....to be INTENTIONAL in this final period of life.
I'm learning it's about energy management at this age. By nature, I typically am either "all in" or asleep. I have slept more in the past 6 weeks than in the past 6 years. Glorious sleep! We go to bed about 9:30 or 10pm now. It used to be difficult to stay awake past about 8:30pm. Back then, the alarm clock was set for 4:45am. There never was any trouble GOING to sleep. I was exhausted. The trouble was staying asleep. The quality of sleep was rarely good, as I was always looking at the clock and obsessing about the amount of sleep I was going to get. There were also many worries and distractions at that time..... ANYWAY, BACK TO THE FUTURE GIRL!!!
The bedtime has gradually gotten later and my awakening has gradually been earlier. At first I slept till 8am! (thought the baby had died...) Then 7:30am. Gradually 7:10am, then 7am. Now the past few days 6:45ish, once the light begins streaming around the shades. I have always suspected that my natural biorhythm is probably 6am-10pm. I bet that is what I end up settling into. I'm not obsessing about it. Just observing.....
Planner by nature, I thought I would plan ad nauseam the chores for the next day the night before, but I only have a "general" plan when I go to sleep. I am trying not to be too regimented and I am just observing how different things "feel". That has been interesting. I would in NO WAY say I have become spontaneous, but I am leaning into some flexibility....getting some traction with it. Feels weirdly good. In my past life, spontaneity only felt uncomfortable....
We have a hot tub. We have aches and pains. Most days after my morning routine we go in. Last night I was itching intensely. Over dry or too many chemicals. Not sure. Told Paul last night "No hot tub in the morning". I woke up at about 6:40 this morning, heard him going up the stairs. We had Happy Hour on the upstairs deck porch last night, first time I can recall doing that..... With this house arrest, we are trying to "shake it up" a little. We mentioned planning to have coffee up there on Thursday, which is our 32nd wedding anniversary. When I heard his footsteps today I thought well, he must be checking it out for sunrise. I LOVE SUNRISES AND SUNSETS. I kind of made myself get up. Poor dear. It was so early..... (I would have already been up 2 hours in my old life).
I brushed my teeth, ignored the facewashing so as not to miss the sunrise. Got my coffee and climbed up there. He was reading a book with his legs up. He was surprised to see me. It was beautiful, a little cloudy, a little damp from dew. After getting the second chair and ottomon situated I drank my coffee and watched as the sun peaked through a slit in the clouds. Nice! Then clouds rolled in and the coffee was gone and I asked, "Want to go in the hot tub?" He said of course, "I thought you said you didn't want to go this morning." I do now. So there you go, about as spontaneous as I can get now. Completely unpredictable.....lol.
As we settled in, I asked him what his plans were for the day. Then I pondered my own. I asked him, "Do you think I will ever get done with all the little projects around the house?" With a broad grin on his face he said, "Oh yes....and then you will just start them all over again...."
And that's the truth....
There have been distractions...like ghosts from the past....
The WHOLE POINT of this exercise is to stay focused on the FUTURE....to be INTENTIONAL in this final period of life.
I'm learning it's about energy management at this age. By nature, I typically am either "all in" or asleep. I have slept more in the past 6 weeks than in the past 6 years. Glorious sleep! We go to bed about 9:30 or 10pm now. It used to be difficult to stay awake past about 8:30pm. Back then, the alarm clock was set for 4:45am. There never was any trouble GOING to sleep. I was exhausted. The trouble was staying asleep. The quality of sleep was rarely good, as I was always looking at the clock and obsessing about the amount of sleep I was going to get. There were also many worries and distractions at that time..... ANYWAY, BACK TO THE FUTURE GIRL!!!
The bedtime has gradually gotten later and my awakening has gradually been earlier. At first I slept till 8am! (thought the baby had died...) Then 7:30am. Gradually 7:10am, then 7am. Now the past few days 6:45ish, once the light begins streaming around the shades. I have always suspected that my natural biorhythm is probably 6am-10pm. I bet that is what I end up settling into. I'm not obsessing about it. Just observing.....
Planner by nature, I thought I would plan ad nauseam the chores for the next day the night before, but I only have a "general" plan when I go to sleep. I am trying not to be too regimented and I am just observing how different things "feel". That has been interesting. I would in NO WAY say I have become spontaneous, but I am leaning into some flexibility....getting some traction with it. Feels weirdly good. In my past life, spontaneity only felt uncomfortable....
We have a hot tub. We have aches and pains. Most days after my morning routine we go in. Last night I was itching intensely. Over dry or too many chemicals. Not sure. Told Paul last night "No hot tub in the morning". I woke up at about 6:40 this morning, heard him going up the stairs. We had Happy Hour on the upstairs deck porch last night, first time I can recall doing that..... With this house arrest, we are trying to "shake it up" a little. We mentioned planning to have coffee up there on Thursday, which is our 32nd wedding anniversary. When I heard his footsteps today I thought well, he must be checking it out for sunrise. I LOVE SUNRISES AND SUNSETS. I kind of made myself get up. Poor dear. It was so early..... (I would have already been up 2 hours in my old life).
I brushed my teeth, ignored the facewashing so as not to miss the sunrise. Got my coffee and climbed up there. He was reading a book with his legs up. He was surprised to see me. It was beautiful, a little cloudy, a little damp from dew. After getting the second chair and ottomon situated I drank my coffee and watched as the sun peaked through a slit in the clouds. Nice! Then clouds rolled in and the coffee was gone and I asked, "Want to go in the hot tub?" He said of course, "I thought you said you didn't want to go this morning." I do now. So there you go, about as spontaneous as I can get now. Completely unpredictable.....lol.
As we settled in, I asked him what his plans were for the day. Then I pondered my own. I asked him, "Do you think I will ever get done with all the little projects around the house?" With a broad grin on his face he said, "Oh yes....and then you will just start them all over again...."
And that's the truth....
Friday, April 24, 2020
A REALLY BAD DAY.
I had a bad day yesterday.... a REALLY BAD DAY!
I shouldn't even write about it but I need to.
My bestie H will set me straight....
I really thought I had progressed....you know tamed the ego thing.
Retirement has been weird at best with this pandemic distraction.
I studied and practiced medicine for 41 years. Then one day it stopped.....
Don't get me wrong, I put notice in. Everyone was contacted. All proper announcements were
released....
Reflecting, my career was stellar. Worked hard. Helped alot of people. Made alot of deep soulful friends who cared about me as I cared for them. I "did it my way" for 33 of those years, bucking trends and flying solo. I always thought I was a "people person", one who needed people, but I think maybe I don't play well with others.... Just my patients and me. Then I got tired. Really tired....I didn't want the "buck to stop on my shoulders any more" and being "uber responsible" wasn't appealing any longer. Hiring staff became a nightmare and candidates were "not what they used to be". I once was good at judging and picking. Then, I wasn't. I became much more uptight and hard to please. No one was good enough. Everything bugged me. I finally got to a point I guess that I stopped long enough to consider my own needs. My body hurt and my heart was sad. There had to be more than this. A whirling dervish for so long. Too frantic to breathe sometimes. That was when I decided to "pull the plug". I needed to get out of the management of medicine. I had looked to sell the practice for at least 10 years. Ideally I would sell, and work part time for someone else, working just enough to keep mentally sharp and feel like I was still healing and helping somebody. Then one day the "corporation" came calling. I had negotiated with 2 before. This was a good fit and a decent offer. The promise of "just seeing patients, leave the management to us" was the golden ticket. Big plans to add multiple other doctors and finish out 6,000 sq ft of office space with the latest equipment was exciting!
The details of the ensuing 2 years and 3 months is not my focus today. Suffice it to say, "I definitely don't play well with millennials" and now I am retired. Nothing that they had envisioned for me or us materialized. No partners. No shiny new space. Little helpful management. Just the same song and dance.....To put it lightly the entire transition turned out to be a profound personal disappointment. The choices become too painful. Then mercifully, I finally chose me......
I didn't want a party. Too hard to say goodbye to all those people whom I had grown to love. Better to slip out the back door...or though I imagined. I used to have a elderly patient who leased office space to lots of physicians through the years. He always said "Don't ever retire! Doctors don't do well. It's too hard on them. No marching band or parade in the end. You just end up feeling lost!" He had seen it many times. All I could think of was that he "has no idea how tired and frustrated I am". For me surely it was going to be different....
Not only was there no parade and no band, the "corporation" didn't even allow a lunch or dinner for me to properly say goodbye and thank my staff. Ouch. Then the virus shook the planet and all this was small stuff. I was thrown into the "retirement" 14 days early. No chance for any final long goodbyes with patients. The previous month had been emotional enough. I had scheduled my very "favorite" patient for the last appointment. I rehearsed a million times how it would go and coached myself not to "sob"...... It was a blessing that I never had to act that part. It was just OVER.
When the actual day of formal retirement came, under sequestration orders, Paul and I ordered gourmet take out and had a bottle of Dom a good friend had given me, and the party was had. I did not hear a peep from the CEO or CFO or CMO. Wow. That was painful too. Not going to lie. It was a Monday......
No patients have been seen in the office since I left March 16th. They will resume next week with another "provider". All the rules have now changed. Masks, gloves, plastic barriers.... Thank God my timing was PERFECT. It was divine. No stress. No gnashing of teeth. No decisions. No responsibility. One of the best things ever in my life!!!
So why the bad day??? I logged into the patient portal yesterday to get several addresses for overdue thank you notes and I had been locked out. No access. "Company Policy". Of course. That makes perfect sense. It didn't feel perfect though. The entire scenario made me feel like a criminal. I am still part owner with company stock....(which is likely worthless). The office manager who has worked for me for a decade "drank the Kool-Aid". Abrupt and matter of fact. "Yes the password changed". IT did it under HR direction. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. Couldn't breathe for a minute, then got so ANGRY (which only happens to me about once a year....but when it does, it isn't pretty). Then I sobbed....and sobbed. Then I drank vodka...ha....Probably went through all of the Kubler-Ross stages of dying in a matter of 20 hours. (I am being overly dramatic here....) I knew when I laid down to go to sleep last night that it wasn't going to be a good night. I fell quickly to sleep but predictably awoke at about 1:30 am. Tachy and angry again, rehearsing the perceived injustices over and over in my mind........
Then I prayed. Hard. "Dear God, Help me to accept and forgive and move forward". I have always told people "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself". I needed that gift. Struggling to be honest with myself, the awareness came that this was probably THE BEST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED to me. You see, I needed it to step forward into this Final Third, to actually look ahead. It actually was a GIFT to me. Isn't God awesome... I prayed to be filled with the Spirit and to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Self Control. As I layed there in the darkness slowly breathing in and out, I recalled the other little book I have been meditating on "Peaks and Valleys" (it is a gem). I had just yesterday morning highlighted and starred these words:
Between Peaks There
Are Always Valleys.
How You Manage Your Valley
Determines How Soon
You Reach Your Next Peak.
I breathed deeply, then fell asleep until the morning light streamed through the bedroom window.
Maybe yesterday wasn't really a BAD DAY after all........
I shouldn't even write about it but I need to.
My bestie H will set me straight....
I really thought I had progressed....you know tamed the ego thing.
Retirement has been weird at best with this pandemic distraction.
I studied and practiced medicine for 41 years. Then one day it stopped.....
Don't get me wrong, I put notice in. Everyone was contacted. All proper announcements were
released....
Reflecting, my career was stellar. Worked hard. Helped alot of people. Made alot of deep soulful friends who cared about me as I cared for them. I "did it my way" for 33 of those years, bucking trends and flying solo. I always thought I was a "people person", one who needed people, but I think maybe I don't play well with others.... Just my patients and me. Then I got tired. Really tired....I didn't want the "buck to stop on my shoulders any more" and being "uber responsible" wasn't appealing any longer. Hiring staff became a nightmare and candidates were "not what they used to be". I once was good at judging and picking. Then, I wasn't. I became much more uptight and hard to please. No one was good enough. Everything bugged me. I finally got to a point I guess that I stopped long enough to consider my own needs. My body hurt and my heart was sad. There had to be more than this. A whirling dervish for so long. Too frantic to breathe sometimes. That was when I decided to "pull the plug". I needed to get out of the management of medicine. I had looked to sell the practice for at least 10 years. Ideally I would sell, and work part time for someone else, working just enough to keep mentally sharp and feel like I was still healing and helping somebody. Then one day the "corporation" came calling. I had negotiated with 2 before. This was a good fit and a decent offer. The promise of "just seeing patients, leave the management to us" was the golden ticket. Big plans to add multiple other doctors and finish out 6,000 sq ft of office space with the latest equipment was exciting!
The details of the ensuing 2 years and 3 months is not my focus today. Suffice it to say, "I definitely don't play well with millennials" and now I am retired. Nothing that they had envisioned for me or us materialized. No partners. No shiny new space. Little helpful management. Just the same song and dance.....To put it lightly the entire transition turned out to be a profound personal disappointment. The choices become too painful. Then mercifully, I finally chose me......
I didn't want a party. Too hard to say goodbye to all those people whom I had grown to love. Better to slip out the back door...or though I imagined. I used to have a elderly patient who leased office space to lots of physicians through the years. He always said "Don't ever retire! Doctors don't do well. It's too hard on them. No marching band or parade in the end. You just end up feeling lost!" He had seen it many times. All I could think of was that he "has no idea how tired and frustrated I am". For me surely it was going to be different....
Not only was there no parade and no band, the "corporation" didn't even allow a lunch or dinner for me to properly say goodbye and thank my staff. Ouch. Then the virus shook the planet and all this was small stuff. I was thrown into the "retirement" 14 days early. No chance for any final long goodbyes with patients. The previous month had been emotional enough. I had scheduled my very "favorite" patient for the last appointment. I rehearsed a million times how it would go and coached myself not to "sob"...... It was a blessing that I never had to act that part. It was just OVER.
When the actual day of formal retirement came, under sequestration orders, Paul and I ordered gourmet take out and had a bottle of Dom a good friend had given me, and the party was had. I did not hear a peep from the CEO or CFO or CMO. Wow. That was painful too. Not going to lie. It was a Monday......
No patients have been seen in the office since I left March 16th. They will resume next week with another "provider". All the rules have now changed. Masks, gloves, plastic barriers.... Thank God my timing was PERFECT. It was divine. No stress. No gnashing of teeth. No decisions. No responsibility. One of the best things ever in my life!!!
So why the bad day??? I logged into the patient portal yesterday to get several addresses for overdue thank you notes and I had been locked out. No access. "Company Policy". Of course. That makes perfect sense. It didn't feel perfect though. The entire scenario made me feel like a criminal. I am still part owner with company stock....(which is likely worthless). The office manager who has worked for me for a decade "drank the Kool-Aid". Abrupt and matter of fact. "Yes the password changed". IT did it under HR direction. I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. Couldn't breathe for a minute, then got so ANGRY (which only happens to me about once a year....but when it does, it isn't pretty). Then I sobbed....and sobbed. Then I drank vodka...ha....Probably went through all of the Kubler-Ross stages of dying in a matter of 20 hours. (I am being overly dramatic here....) I knew when I laid down to go to sleep last night that it wasn't going to be a good night. I fell quickly to sleep but predictably awoke at about 1:30 am. Tachy and angry again, rehearsing the perceived injustices over and over in my mind........
Then I prayed. Hard. "Dear God, Help me to accept and forgive and move forward". I have always told people "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself". I needed that gift. Struggling to be honest with myself, the awareness came that this was probably THE BEST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD HAVE EVER HAPPENED to me. You see, I needed it to step forward into this Final Third, to actually look ahead. It actually was a GIFT to me. Isn't God awesome... I prayed to be filled with the Spirit and to exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, and Self Control. As I layed there in the darkness slowly breathing in and out, I recalled the other little book I have been meditating on "Peaks and Valleys" (it is a gem). I had just yesterday morning highlighted and starred these words:
Between Peaks There
Are Always Valleys.
How You Manage Your Valley
Determines How Soon
You Reach Your Next Peak.
I breathed deeply, then fell asleep until the morning light streamed through the bedroom window.
Maybe yesterday wasn't really a BAD DAY after all........
Monday, April 20, 2020
A REMARKABLE LIFE.
I lost a dear friend last week. The patriarch of a family I cared for for over 25 years.
He was a retired pathologist, a remarkable man, and his death caught me off guard. He was 93 years young you see, full of vitality and verve. I started seeing him and his wife and family many years ago.
I started this blog to recall my memories of Dr L, but as I reflected, I started remembering his wife, who has been gone almost a decade now... So I diverge for a moment..... (probably why it has taken me over a week to complete the post). Sometimes you just have to go where the memories of the heart lead you......
She was particularly delightful..... the kind of person you could sit and talk to forever. The words "Sweet As Pie" come to mind as I remember her. She and her husband were very formal, gracious with every interaction. They would arrive early for their appointments, always dressed impeccably, Dr L in a dapper suit and tie and his wife in a beautiful dress with heels. "Old School", just like my grandfather......(who used to mow his Richmond lawn in a suit and tie.... for real.) Every year for my birthday they would send an enormous, lavish and incredible bouquet of flowers. (He has continued that tradition) She told me she always loved having flowers in her home. She admitted to loving the finer things in life and we spoke of fine dining and beautiful table place settings that she enjoyed every day. "Why wait for a special occasion?" she would say... "Everyday is beautiful and EVERY DAY is SPECIAL!"
I told her I shared her love of fine crystal and china and silver, and loved the idea of enjoying them often. With a smaller budget and a family at home that included "little people" at the time, my daily reality was different. I ashamedly told her once that we used paper plates most of the time at home. She very sweetly, yet emphatically proclaimed, "OH MY!"..... then quickly changed the subject, as I recall. I vividly remember being at Dillard's shortly after that finding some gorgeous, deeply discounted fancy china plates. I thought of her immediately and felt her encouraging spirit sending me overwhelming approval! I will never forget telling her the next time we were together of how I had bought them and were using them "most days". I can still recall the look of both delight and glee on her sweet face. "How Wonderful!" she excitingly exclaimed.....I thought of her every time we used them, for years, until I began purchasing even more expensive and exquisite ones over time. Ha. I always felt justified in those purchases because, well "Mrs L would be so happy!" I get that happy feeling even now.....and thus began using those "finer things" every single day. I think of her so very often....
Sadly, Mrs L had a sudden, massive stroke on her husband's birthday 9 years ago. She never regained consciousness and passed a few days later. It was devastating for Dr. L and he seemed lost for several years. They were married 58 years......
I watched him over time regain his balance and begin to pursue new and varied interests. He had a large family, and many friends. He loved going out to lunches and dinners, formal of course..... At first they took him out to keep him busy. Over time, they became traditions and ones that he clung to as routine and enjoyable. Dinners with his son and daughter in law every Tuesday and his daughter on Thursday night. Countless other structured outings.... He had favorite restaurants and favored servers. He loved the formalities and predictability.
Dr L and I were kindred spirits of sorts. I appreciated so much of what made him unique, his intellect and discipline and routine and kindness. The way he adored his wife and loved his family. We would talk about his day to day routines. His health and zest were amazing. I always took mental notes of our visits because he seemed the exception to dullness and aging. I wanted to learn his secrets, if there were any. He was always busy! He spent a few years digitizing their old family photos. He taught himself to scan and organize them. He told me of his great life, full of wonderful memories of work, travel and family. He said it was a great project and he was fortunate to be able to relive the memories that had given him so much joy many years ago. It was fun to remember..... Although he missed his wife terribly, he did not expose sadness or longing in the reliving of the past. To the contrary, he seemed full of GRATEFULNESS at having lived those times with the people he loved. He became my Facebook friend and learned to message and post. I recall thinking how my Dad died at 83 and never learned to text..... Dr L. kept young by his interests, and relationships with friends and family. He exercised daily, and stayed active. His routine was VERY STRUCTURED and his diet predictable. I remember once he told me (when asked about his diet), that he enjoyed a "half of a muffin" for breakfast on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I was always so interested in how he lived because he seemed so alive. He probably thought I was an interrogator..... The "half a muffin" thing always intrigued me and once I remember asking him, "Dr L do you ever eat the other half of the muffin?" He sort of shuttered and then looked at me like I had purple hair. "No, it never occurred to me." was his reply. I immediately felt foolish even asking.... I should have known what the response would be from a man of such discipline.
Years after his wife died I tried to fix him up with a woman I knew well, same age and a professional, still working, refined and very formal. They would have had so much in common and I thought they could have wonderful conversations and be good company. I was so nervous to make the introduction and waited years before I got the nerve up to ask him if he would be interested in meeting her. He very immediately declined, saying he only had ONE LOVE in this life, and that was that......
I will miss you Dr L. Your devotion, love and remarkable life will always serve as an inspiration to me. I am a better person having known you and I am grateful that your life touched mine....
He was a retired pathologist, a remarkable man, and his death caught me off guard. He was 93 years young you see, full of vitality and verve. I started seeing him and his wife and family many years ago.
I started this blog to recall my memories of Dr L, but as I reflected, I started remembering his wife, who has been gone almost a decade now... So I diverge for a moment..... (probably why it has taken me over a week to complete the post). Sometimes you just have to go where the memories of the heart lead you......
She was particularly delightful..... the kind of person you could sit and talk to forever. The words "Sweet As Pie" come to mind as I remember her. She and her husband were very formal, gracious with every interaction. They would arrive early for their appointments, always dressed impeccably, Dr L in a dapper suit and tie and his wife in a beautiful dress with heels. "Old School", just like my grandfather......(who used to mow his Richmond lawn in a suit and tie.... for real.) Every year for my birthday they would send an enormous, lavish and incredible bouquet of flowers. (He has continued that tradition) She told me she always loved having flowers in her home. She admitted to loving the finer things in life and we spoke of fine dining and beautiful table place settings that she enjoyed every day. "Why wait for a special occasion?" she would say... "Everyday is beautiful and EVERY DAY is SPECIAL!"
I told her I shared her love of fine crystal and china and silver, and loved the idea of enjoying them often. With a smaller budget and a family at home that included "little people" at the time, my daily reality was different. I ashamedly told her once that we used paper plates most of the time at home. She very sweetly, yet emphatically proclaimed, "OH MY!"..... then quickly changed the subject, as I recall. I vividly remember being at Dillard's shortly after that finding some gorgeous, deeply discounted fancy china plates. I thought of her immediately and felt her encouraging spirit sending me overwhelming approval! I will never forget telling her the next time we were together of how I had bought them and were using them "most days". I can still recall the look of both delight and glee on her sweet face. "How Wonderful!" she excitingly exclaimed.....I thought of her every time we used them, for years, until I began purchasing even more expensive and exquisite ones over time. Ha. I always felt justified in those purchases because, well "Mrs L would be so happy!" I get that happy feeling even now.....and thus began using those "finer things" every single day. I think of her so very often....
Sadly, Mrs L had a sudden, massive stroke on her husband's birthday 9 years ago. She never regained consciousness and passed a few days later. It was devastating for Dr. L and he seemed lost for several years. They were married 58 years......
I watched him over time regain his balance and begin to pursue new and varied interests. He had a large family, and many friends. He loved going out to lunches and dinners, formal of course..... At first they took him out to keep him busy. Over time, they became traditions and ones that he clung to as routine and enjoyable. Dinners with his son and daughter in law every Tuesday and his daughter on Thursday night. Countless other structured outings.... He had favorite restaurants and favored servers. He loved the formalities and predictability.
Dr L and I were kindred spirits of sorts. I appreciated so much of what made him unique, his intellect and discipline and routine and kindness. The way he adored his wife and loved his family. We would talk about his day to day routines. His health and zest were amazing. I always took mental notes of our visits because he seemed the exception to dullness and aging. I wanted to learn his secrets, if there were any. He was always busy! He spent a few years digitizing their old family photos. He taught himself to scan and organize them. He told me of his great life, full of wonderful memories of work, travel and family. He said it was a great project and he was fortunate to be able to relive the memories that had given him so much joy many years ago. It was fun to remember..... Although he missed his wife terribly, he did not expose sadness or longing in the reliving of the past. To the contrary, he seemed full of GRATEFULNESS at having lived those times with the people he loved. He became my Facebook friend and learned to message and post. I recall thinking how my Dad died at 83 and never learned to text..... Dr L. kept young by his interests, and relationships with friends and family. He exercised daily, and stayed active. His routine was VERY STRUCTURED and his diet predictable. I remember once he told me (when asked about his diet), that he enjoyed a "half of a muffin" for breakfast on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I was always so interested in how he lived because he seemed so alive. He probably thought I was an interrogator..... The "half a muffin" thing always intrigued me and once I remember asking him, "Dr L do you ever eat the other half of the muffin?" He sort of shuttered and then looked at me like I had purple hair. "No, it never occurred to me." was his reply. I immediately felt foolish even asking.... I should have known what the response would be from a man of such discipline.
Years after his wife died I tried to fix him up with a woman I knew well, same age and a professional, still working, refined and very formal. They would have had so much in common and I thought they could have wonderful conversations and be good company. I was so nervous to make the introduction and waited years before I got the nerve up to ask him if he would be interested in meeting her. He very immediately declined, saying he only had ONE LOVE in this life, and that was that......
I will miss you Dr L. Your devotion, love and remarkable life will always serve as an inspiration to me. I am a better person having known you and I am grateful that your life touched mine....
Saturday, April 11, 2020
AMEN....
It is Easter/Passover Week. Holy Week.
This one is so different than any of the other 61 that I have experienced over my lifetime.
What is familiar anymore, anyway?
I am planning to watch You Tube tomorrow at noon. Live Andrea Bocelli from the Duomo in Milan.
I was there 2 years ago. What an amazing place, full of miracles and wonder. I am so grateful that I was fortunate enough, blessed, to experience such a place, especially before this terrible virus laid siege to our world. Just as we developed a Post-911 era, a changed reality will no doubt come as we arise from this current global tragedy.
Never the same.... Better in many ways, we can hope. More grateful. More aware of how we rushed around like little ants before it, to work, to gyms and appointments, spas and restaurants, stores and lunches, and meetings. We always were "rushing" to get somewhere we were not, calling ahead to inform somebody somewhere that we were "on our way"..... Now we are just here.... You can't run. You cannot hide anymore between places, or in a crowd. It is time to face ourselves. Face the family. Face the truth. Face God. Where are we really? Where have we been? Did we get anywhere and are we better off? There is an old saying, "Everywhere I go, there I am!" My prayer is that this pandemic gives us the much needed time to reflect on these things. Holy Week gives us that special opportunity on a religious level to reflect on our souls.... to judge ourselves and to be judged, to ask forgiveness where we have fallen short. To ask that from our Heavenly Father, but also to get right and ask the same of ourselves, our family and those we love. Maybe it is we who need a rebirth....
Andrea will sing and many across the globe will listen. It will be epic. Of that I am certain. What a time to be alive, to be able to witness such an event. Bocelli says in a statement, "On the day in which we celebrate the trust in a life that triumphs, I'm honored and happy to answer, "Si!"..... I believe in the strength of praying together: I believe in the Christian Easter, a universal symbol of rebirth that everyone- whether they are believers or not - truly needs right now. Thanks to music, streamed live, bringing together millions of clasped hands everywhere in the world, we will hug this wounded Earth's pulsing heart, this wonderful international forge that is reason for Italian pride...it will be a joy to witness it, in the Duomo, during the Easter celebration which evokes the mystery of birth and rebirth."
Well, I will be listening, and sharing what I hope will be a global healing of sorts. We so need healing.... all of us, everywhere. There must be blessings in these times, or God would not allow them. We must look for them, search earnestly for them. Search the darkness in our souls and say "Si" to the Light that seeks to heal our broken hearts and lost world.
And all of God's people shall say, Amen.....
Monday, April 6, 2020
THE DRYER IS BEEPING
This is my very first Retired Monday and it feels like Wednesday. That was always my day for puttering around the house. I feel like I should put the trash out on the curb.....
I had another rough night of sleep. Kept dreaming of work and managing "issues". That was interspersed with visions of washing and organizing thousands of sheets and blankets and pillow cases (refer to yesterday's post). Golly gee. I really am a mess. Healing is coming, day by day. I know it. "It's OK, have patience!" the voice of reason says.......If my Mom were still alive she would vouch for me that patience never was my strong suit. I can still hear her say "Bonnie Jo, patience is a virtue"......
Just spent the last couple of hours diving deep into the linen closets. So many mis-matched things, tablecloths, napkins, doily's, sheets, blankets, pillows, comforters.... Sorted by items and sizes, we now have a huge "give away" pile and at least 10 piles of "launder and fold and organize". Come to think about it that was exactly last night's nightmare. I always do this kind of thing when I feel nervous. I FEEL NERVOUS. Being newly retired without a routine, is strangely stressful for me, and then, there's this COVID19 thing.....This kind of behavior gives me some semblance of order over situations of which I have no control.....
The little humorous texts we send one another make us laugh, but what if...... ? There is an underlying feeling of anxiety and helplessness..... We don't watch the news at all. We are staying safely sequestered as are our children in their respective places. What else can we do? My Jewish bestie Dr. Helena called a week ago and said "You DO have a Zpack and Plaquenil at home right???" Israel is ahead of us 3-6 weeks and she updated me on all the things a doctor "should know"....sigh.....Maybe I SHOULD watch the news. We tried to get the medications but of course we were seriously late to the task. Those drugs were unavailable and are back ordered until further notice. We did get Zinc..... Then my nurse BFF Trudy in Phoenix texts me yesterday, "You have a pulse ox at home, right? GET ONE, and BATTERIES!" I ordered one last night. I still didn't watch the news. Paul looks at the COVID 19 map from John's Hopkins. I did read the headlines this morning that say to expect a week of deaths like 911. People, I'm now nervous, ok?...... I don't want to be nervous. I am now just finally achieving "happy go lucky, I'm retired status"...... How dare there be a crisis. I don't want to think about it. So I guess, I cope, and I organize.....
We go out to the store a couple times a week for just "stuff", mainly just to get out.... I know, WRONG reason! I sent Paul alone Saturday. It's better that way. We have different shopping styles. I shop for entertainment, usually going up and down each aisle just to be sure I don't need something or "want" something and didn't know it. My husband enters the store like an assassin, executing the job for which he was selected. It sounds funny but is the absolute truth! He wields a basket like a weapon and I've seen him almost mow people over. Now I make him wear a mask. At least he isn't in the store longer than 12 minutes, diminishing exposure, and better yet he isn't recognizable..... He returns home with EXACTLY what is written on the list. Nothing more. Nothing less. If it isn't on the list, it isn't in the bag. Period. Not complaining. I'm lucky to have a shopper. (I just have to be sure the list is complete).......
Gotta go now. The dryer is beeping.....
I had another rough night of sleep. Kept dreaming of work and managing "issues". That was interspersed with visions of washing and organizing thousands of sheets and blankets and pillow cases (refer to yesterday's post). Golly gee. I really am a mess. Healing is coming, day by day. I know it. "It's OK, have patience!" the voice of reason says.......If my Mom were still alive she would vouch for me that patience never was my strong suit. I can still hear her say "Bonnie Jo, patience is a virtue"......
Just spent the last couple of hours diving deep into the linen closets. So many mis-matched things, tablecloths, napkins, doily's, sheets, blankets, pillows, comforters.... Sorted by items and sizes, we now have a huge "give away" pile and at least 10 piles of "launder and fold and organize". Come to think about it that was exactly last night's nightmare. I always do this kind of thing when I feel nervous. I FEEL NERVOUS. Being newly retired without a routine, is strangely stressful for me, and then, there's this COVID19 thing.....This kind of behavior gives me some semblance of order over situations of which I have no control.....
The little humorous texts we send one another make us laugh, but what if...... ? There is an underlying feeling of anxiety and helplessness..... We don't watch the news at all. We are staying safely sequestered as are our children in their respective places. What else can we do? My Jewish bestie Dr. Helena called a week ago and said "You DO have a Zpack and Plaquenil at home right???" Israel is ahead of us 3-6 weeks and she updated me on all the things a doctor "should know"....sigh.....Maybe I SHOULD watch the news. We tried to get the medications but of course we were seriously late to the task. Those drugs were unavailable and are back ordered until further notice. We did get Zinc..... Then my nurse BFF Trudy in Phoenix texts me yesterday, "You have a pulse ox at home, right? GET ONE, and BATTERIES!" I ordered one last night. I still didn't watch the news. Paul looks at the COVID 19 map from John's Hopkins. I did read the headlines this morning that say to expect a week of deaths like 911. People, I'm now nervous, ok?...... I don't want to be nervous. I am now just finally achieving "happy go lucky, I'm retired status"...... How dare there be a crisis. I don't want to think about it. So I guess, I cope, and I organize.....
We go out to the store a couple times a week for just "stuff", mainly just to get out.... I know, WRONG reason! I sent Paul alone Saturday. It's better that way. We have different shopping styles. I shop for entertainment, usually going up and down each aisle just to be sure I don't need something or "want" something and didn't know it. My husband enters the store like an assassin, executing the job for which he was selected. It sounds funny but is the absolute truth! He wields a basket like a weapon and I've seen him almost mow people over. Now I make him wear a mask. At least he isn't in the store longer than 12 minutes, diminishing exposure, and better yet he isn't recognizable..... He returns home with EXACTLY what is written on the list. Nothing more. Nothing less. If it isn't on the list, it isn't in the bag. Period. Not complaining. I'm lucky to have a shopper. (I just have to be sure the list is complete).......
Gotta go now. The dryer is beeping.....
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